i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
how do you play pong handcuffed?
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
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