sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
