I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
