quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
