What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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