Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
