I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
