I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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