My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Randomize
