the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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