i permit you to call me
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
