I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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