youre lurking in front of me
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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