I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
