I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Randomize
