those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
