mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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