Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
