I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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