"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
