Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Randomize
