just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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