I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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