omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
