Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Randomize
