Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
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