Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
