I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
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