I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
