I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
