I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Did I show you my penis last night?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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