Your tits are I can't wait for
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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