Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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