Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
