At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
