Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
