it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
