Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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