awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
