in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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