god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
