Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
