Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
