every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
