so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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