Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
