I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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