Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Randomize
