If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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