So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
