How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
