I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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